My name is Josephus Buford and my capacious beard is available to let.
It is a well-appointed beard with space abundant enough for a fine family of social standing and good breeding. Within my beard are included such better-quality furnishings as a walnut burl library desk table, two Belter rosewood chairs, a colonial cherry breakfront china cabinet, one grand piano forte, one tiger oak curio, a velvet fainting settee, two 8-string Lily harps, a fully fitted kitchen with one year’s supply of coal, and a marble-top commode with two Westwood china bedpans. Also included is this small urchin:
—Help! Sir Tristram! Sir! Wait! No—
You may contact me regarding my beard accommodation in the gentlemen’s toilets at the Café Royal during high tea.
In these times of difficulty acquiring ample homes in a crowded and filthy city such as this, you will find my beard most convivial and comfortable.
I am, of course, attached.