by Philip Kaplan and Stephanie Walter
Setting: on a deserted street in a bad neighborhood
Time: late at night
Character: DAN, 30, a little arrogant, wearing expensive casual clothes
DAN is talking on a cell phone and appears very agitated.
(into phone) If you get this message, I locked my keys and my wallet in my car, my cell phone’s been on low battery for half an hour, and this is a really bad neighborhood.
(dials another number)
Damnit! This is Dan. If you get this, I’m at the corner of …
(pause. He reads a street sign.)
Gzerk Flapiziarana Memorial Place. –screw it!
(DAN hangs up and dials another number.)
Pick up! Pick up! Great! Belsky! My car broke down and—what?
(His voice changes. He’s talking to a child)
Lizzie! Oh, hi Lizzie, put Dadda on the phone. … Uh, huh … That’s great. Lizzie, put Dadda on the phone … Uh, huh. Fantastic. Where’s your Dad?
What? … I would love to see your drawing, Lizzie. After Dadda saves me from all the hoodlums you can show me everything … Oh, you have a picture of a cow. Great … It’s blue? That’s so avante garde, a blue cow … A red cow too? … Fantastic. Lizzie, you hear that beep? That’s my cell phone dying. When it dies, I die, so speed it up a little? … Yellow? … A yellow cow? I think I see where this is going. You have more cows in inappropriate colors. Get Daddy now! … Purple? There’s no such thing as a purple cow, you moron! Your dad says you’re such a frigging genius.
(getting more angry)
Get Dad! Right now! Now! Now! Now! … I can’t wait! … Give him the phone! … LIZZIE, GET YOUR FUCKING FATHER!
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I did say a bad word. … I said a bad word and you have to tell your dad so he can punish me … Who told you that? … No, you’re wrong, everyone loves a tattletale … So what’s my punishment? … Lizzie, I don’t have time to sing you a song … For the love of God, I’m gonna be on America’s Most Wanted as the corpse! Get your Dad—
I did not sing it wrong … No I didn’t … No, you’re stupid! … I know what stupid is, and it’s not me! G comes after F. Look it up! I went to Harvard, I make more money than both your parents put together! You’re still in Montessori. F comes after G, I mean G comes after F! I know the fucking alphabet!
Stop crying. … Stop crying. What do you want? … Tell me! Money? Power? An ice cream castle? It’s yours! … Just get your dad! … Christ, what do you want?!!! … What?
Sing you another song!
(Begins smacking his head with the phone.)
(Gets an idea)
“Oh hi, Santa. What are you doing here?” Lizzie, Santa wants to talk to your dad.
(DAN hears something on the phone)
(DAN jumps up in the air in excitement and drops the phone, which splits in two)
(DAN stares at the broken phone dumbly.)
copyright © 2010 Stephanie Walter & Philip Kaplan. All rights reserved. ___________________________________________
Stephanie Walter is a television producer and writer, and is currently an MFA candidate in Dramaturgy at Stonybrook University. Philip Kaplan is a member of the Brooklyn Playwrights collective.