I was in Abercrombie & Fitch in Mayfair earlier today, but was compelled to abort my shopping and take my leave. The 5-piece chamber orchestra behind the till was too loud. But I did manage to steal this poster before bolting.
— (Sir) Tristram Bexindale-Webb, Editor-in-Chief
I am currently looking for a well-appointed garden shed or cave for hermetic possibilities on your property.
I require very little upkeep as I am partial to voles. I am suitably apoplectic, adequately eccentric, and erudite in my mutterings.
Let me be your living lawn ornament.
I can be reached at… I am not reachable.
Nothing brings about a feeling of uncertainty and uncalmness than a visit from Death. Do you not agree?
A way to keep death’s diaphanous grip at bay is to eat healthy and fibrous bacon. This is a known fact. Most dietary physicians or “Supper Doctors” are versed in the nutrient composites seen in foodstuff. Most foodstuff. These doctors can see composites in some food. And this is helpful to the digestive tracts and bile openings.
They are experts. They know. These are facts.
If, however, a loved one has already been spirited away by the Dead-making Man—and you haven’t already captured it in a daguerreotype—you may have an opportunity to visit with them. Miraculously, you will be able to say “How do you do today?,” see if they need anything in the way of provisions, ask some niggling questions, find out where the reins to the Landau Carriage have gone, or contest their will.
Madame Glaremuccini will guide you through the steps of easing your pain of loss while whetting your curiosity (What is it like on “the other side”? What’s going on? Who’s over there? What is it? What’s going on over there? Who is there on the other side? Over there. Who?). The Madame is the finest of spiritualists, as far as one knows. She does not cheat. Or fake. Or steal. She doesn’t cheat.
A tug, a push, and a pull from the beyond. Engage in a circle jerk of the most spirtualist kind.
You will be consoled, relieved, and your hands will touch complete strangers. Which promises to excite and distract.
Dearest Ladies, so much that weakens you must be put to right!
Do you not require a respite from ails that ail you? Reprieve awaits you with the finest surgeon this land has to offer. Your spirits will lift, your hysteria will be quelled, and your life will be without the complex dramatics of a Shakespeare “problem play.” Surgeon Dr. Julius Merriweather suggests the very finest treatments for such lady complaints as:
… Dr. Merriweather suggests hysterectomy
… perhaps a womb removal followed by a sewing up
… ovary quelling
Corset suffocation rib smooshing
Unconsummated hysterical loin yearnings
… hysterectomy followed by sitz bath
… womb reduction with ovary hide and seek
Intermittent 360 degree spinning in place
… heroin, followed by blade
… perhaps an actual hysterectomy may be helpful
So much to be solved with a caring flick of a gleaming blade … and a reassuring smile from a surgeon who knows what’s what in the lady department.
Won’t you visit the Office of Dr. Julius Merriweather, Gentleman and MD? It is located off Harley Street near where that guy got killed.
To revive oneself and present a quality of life unknown to desperate and unworthy souls, one must imbibe, apply, and immerse in the astounding curative powers of…
A perfectly safe and cautious cure for the daily ailments that ail you such as:
liver complaint, pain in the head, bile, piles, inveterate corruption of the blood, lumbago, chilblains, neuralgia, dropsy, unhappyness, fecal stagnation, dyspepsia, gonorrhea and gleet, whooping coughs, rheumatismic whoops, hysteria, wombinesstitstitus, tantrumania, fits n’ starts n’ stuff, malaria, “snuff nose” debowelment, and derangement of the organs of the stomach and limbs.
Administered in all and every orifice via
Mr G. W. Gedney’s VACUUM APPARATUS.