Classifieds Advert / PROPERTY TO LET: My Beard

My name is Josephus Buford and my capacious beard is available to let.

It is a well-appointed beard with space abundant enough for a fine family of social standing and good breeding.  Within my beard are included such better-quality furnishings as a walnut burl library desk table, two Belter rosewood chairs, a colonial cherry breakfront china cabinet, one grand piano forte, one tiger oak curio, a velvet fainting settee, two 8-string Lily harps, a fully fitted kitchen with one year’s supply of coal, and a marble-top commode with two Westwood china bedpans.  Also included is this small urchin:


—Help!  Sir Tristram!  Sir!  Wait!  No—


You may contact me regarding my beard accommodation in the gentlemen’s toilets at the Café Royal during high tea.

In these times of difficulty acquiring ample homes in a crowded and filthy city such as this, you will find my beard most convivial and comfortable.

I am, of course, attached.

A sponsor shills yet again …



LADIES,
WHY NOT
TRANSFORM?

 

from this …                                                 to this

Testimonials of  FAINTING DAINTIES EMOLLIENT are thus:

“We have always wanted to be ladylike and of the petite way. Our large hands, malevolent scowls, and love of raw beef have kept us away from the prospect of gentlemen callers. But with Fainting Dainties Emollient applied to the womby areas, we swiftly get struck ill and fall down dead at most dance halls and ice cream socials.”
The Forsbrand Sisters, Willoughby, Ohio

“I was sick into my embroidered handkerchief and was thusly engaged to be married within the quarter hour! How may I thank you, Fainting Dainties EmollientHow?”
Philomena Metheun at her debutante cotillion

“I like to fall down.”
Abigail Shunn, the bottom of the stairs

Every minute of unconsciousness is worth a lifetime of
lady-daintyness!

A new word from our new sponsor …

AVOID DOMESTIC HORRORS!

This man had lived alone. Unseen and unheard by his village neighbours for many a day. Not a single cry or gasp known to anyone as he lay dying. And then the stench came. Policemen had arrived to find his face, his nose, his ears devoured completely by his hungry cats. Domestic pets, once sweet and calming, ingested their master—their sole provider—for comfort, cuddles, and sustenance.

Which is why it is most vital for every home to keep
PUSSYCAT PIQUANT MORSELS
in their cupboard. Each tin of savoury mixture contains such essential nutrients as cod liver oil, offal, and mercury. For a finer, fluffier feline coat and a tail that pussy cannot keep down as it will be held high and aloft in contentment and enduring love for you, dear Master.

Purchase food for your pussycats from your local general markets
without delay!

Do not die like this man.