Classifieds Advert/Situations Wanted: Victorian Hermit

Dear Country Estate Owners:  

I am currently looking for a well-appointed garden shed or cave for hermetic possibilities on your property.

I require very little upkeep as I am partial to voles.  I am suitably apoplectic, adequately eccentric, and erudite in my mutterings. 
I philosophise. 

Let me be your living lawn ornament.

I can be reached at…  I am not reachable.

ADVERT: Be Reasonable, Dear Lady!

Dearest Ladies, so much that weakens you must be put to right!

Do you not require a respite from ails that ail you?  Reprieve awaits you with the finest surgeon this land has to offer.  Your spirits will lift, your hysteria will be quelled, and your life will be without the complex dramatics of a Shakespeare “problem play.”  Surgeon Dr. Julius Merriweather suggests the very finest treatments for such lady complaints as:

… Dr. Merriweather suggests hysterectomy

… perhaps a womb removal followed by a sewing up

     … ovary quelling

Corset suffocation rib smooshing
… hysterectomy

Unconsummated hysterical loin yearnings
… hysterectomy followed by sitz bath

Hysterical fancies
… womb reduction with ovary hide and seek

Intermittent 360 degree spinning in place
… heroin, followed by blade

Hysterical hysterectomy
… perhaps an actual hysterectomy may be helpful

So much to be solved with a caring flick of a gleaming blade … and a reassuring smile from a surgeon who knows what’s what in the lady department.

Won’t you visit the Office of Dr. Julius Merriweather, Gentleman and MD?  It is located off Harley Street near where that guy got killed.

ADVERT: Restore Your Powers, Sir!

To revive oneself and present a quality of life unknown to desperate and unworthy souls, one must imbibe, apply, and immerse in the astounding curative powers of…


A perfectly safe and cautious cure for the daily ailments that ail you such as:

liver complaint, pain in the head, bile, piles, inveterate corruption of the blood, lumbago, chilblains, neuralgia, dropsy, unhappyness, fecal stagnation, dyspepsia, gonorrhea and gleet, whooping coughs, rheumatismic whoops, hysteria, wombinesstitstitus, tantrumania, fits n’ starts n’ stuff, malaria, “snuff nose” debowelment, and derangement of the organs of the stomach and limbs.

Administered in all and every orifice via

Fear not for you shall be cured!
Begin your life anew again once more!

Classifieds Advert / PROPERTY TO LET: My Beard

My name is Josephus Buford and my capacious beard is available to let.

It is a well-appointed beard with space abundant enough for a fine family of social standing and good breeding.  Within my beard are included such better-quality furnishings as a walnut burl library desk table, two Belter rosewood chairs, a colonial cherry breakfront china cabinet, one grand piano forte, one tiger oak curio, a velvet fainting settee, two 8-string Lily harps, a fully fitted kitchen with one year’s supply of coal, and a marble-top commode with two Westwood china bedpans.  Also included is this small urchin:

—Help!  Sir Tristram!  Sir!  Wait!  No—

You may contact me regarding my beard accommodation in the gentlemen’s toilets at the Café Royal during high tea.

In these times of difficulty acquiring ample homes in a crowded and filthy city such as this, you will find my beard most convivial and comfortable.

I am, of course, attached.

A sponsor shills yet again …



from this …                                                 to this

Testimonials of  FAINTING DAINTIES EMOLLIENT are thus:

“We have always wanted to be ladylike and of the petite way. Our large hands, malevolent scowls, and love of raw beef have kept us away from the prospect of gentlemen callers. But with Fainting Dainties Emollient applied to the womby areas, we swiftly get struck ill and fall down dead at most dance halls and ice cream socials.”
The Forsbrand Sisters, Willoughby, Ohio

“I was sick into my embroidered handkerchief and was thusly engaged to be married within the quarter hour! How may I thank you, Fainting Dainties EmollientHow?”
Philomena Metheun at her debutante cotillion

“I like to fall down.”
Abigail Shunn, the bottom of the stairs

Every minute of unconsciousness is worth a lifetime of

A new word from our new sponsor …


This man had lived alone. Unseen and unheard by his village neighbours for many a day. Not a single cry or gasp known to anyone as he lay dying. And then the stench came. Policemen had arrived to find his face, his nose, his ears devoured completely by his hungry cats. Domestic pets, once sweet and calming, ingested their master—their sole provider—for comfort, cuddles, and sustenance.

Which is why it is most vital for every home to keep
in their cupboard. Each tin of savoury mixture contains such essential nutrients as cod liver oil, offal, and mercury. For a finer, fluffier feline coat and a tail that pussy cannot keep down as it will be held high and aloft in contentment and enduring love for you, dear Master.

Purchase food for your pussycats from your local general markets
without delay!

Do not die like this man.